JUST DEPENDS

When I kill a spider for my wife she is very proud of me. That pride lasts until the next time we go to the movies. I have an annoying movie habit that drives her crazy. I guzzle my soda really fast. Little known fact, 7-11 named the Big Gulp after me. I will go to the concession stand and buy a large Diet Coke. Who needs to pay the mortgage this month anyway? Once we sit down I begin guzzling right away and my large Diet Coke is usually gone before the movie starts. There are still 2 movie previews and that cheesy announcement about not using your cell phone that no one abides by anyway still to go. Let me tell you getting old is hard. How do I know this? My bladder reminds me every time we go to the movies. So after guzzling a large diet coke, 20 minutes into the movie I have to Pee. When I was younger my bladder would have said “Gee, Rich, the next time you have the opportunity to go to the bathroom you might want to think about doing it. No rush, though, bro.” Not anymore. Now it screams at me. “YOU HAVE TO PEE NOW!” It screams louder than Carrot Top’s hair. My wife always has to sit in the back row of the theater, smack dab in the middle. That means 20 minutes into the movie I have to crawl over everyone in the dark, hoping I don’t pee on them, fighting for the exit. I barely make it in time and of course I miss the key scene from the movie: either the great auto crash pile-up of the action flick or the essential dramatic scene that ties everything together at the end of the film. Of course my wife won’t tell me about it because she’ll say “you wouldn’t have missed it if you drank your Diet Coke like a normal person.” All of this means we have to be really choosy about what movies we go to. I don’t want to fork out $11 to miss the key scene of just any old movie. I have to ask myself what decides whether or not we go to this movie or that movie. Is it the uber cool action sequence? Is it the Academy Award winning performance? Is it the sci-fi special effects? Just depends.

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